All things in moderation?

Temperance is a funny thing. I've been working at balance in my life, and I seem to suffer from having too much of one thing and not enough of others. For example, I spend a whole lotta time on a really great site called NarniaWeb. The site is amazing. The five hours I spend there instead of doing other things is not.

I do love to do useful things. I know that sounds incredibly boring, but bear with me. I love the feeling at the end of the day when you look back and see that you really helped your mom with the housework, or finished some bit of schoolwork, or got writing done (if you're a writer, like me). That feeling is just one of satisfaction. For me, I go: "I actually didn't waste my day today! I did stuff that mattered, that change the way I'll be living tomorrow and in the future!" I don't exactly think like that, but that's the feeling in words.

Unfortunately, one of the reasons that the feeling is special right now is because it doesn't happen all the time. One of my goals lately has been to live each day well. Not okay, not acceptable. Just really well. It's really hard. I do too much of stupid stuff and not enough of the important stuff. Sometimes I really fall flat on my face and then I think at night, before I go to bed, "What in the world was I thinking? I was an idiot!"

To go off on another tangent from the title, I wanted to talk about movie content. I want to be a screenwriter, like I've said before in other posts, and I've been thinking a lot about my mission in that and just movies in general.

I have kind of really high standards for movies. My sisters don't share many of my opinions. The sister just above me, in particular, asks me to watch movies a lot and I'll look up the movies online to see what the lowdown is, especially on pluggedin.com. Mostly, I'll decide against watching the movie because it looks like it has a lot of vulgarity in it. My sister makes the case that, if I want to be a screenwriter, I have to watch all kinds of movies, not just the ones I think I'll think.

This is a bit of an issue for me. I don't agree with her completely. I mean, I can see that watching movies and listening to scripts can help you understand how to write them, but what if this movie is very lewd? What if the mindset of the characters towards pre-marital sex is very casual?

I don't know about you guys, but I have a very difficult time with sexuality in movies. It's a very big occasion of sin for me, and I know it. So do I go in to watch the movie, knowing what's there and knowing that it could lead me into sin? My stance is NO. I may not have watched the movie before, but if I know there's crap scattered all through the movie, I'm not gonna see it.

What do you all think, I wonder?

-Tina

All my wisdom...

Yanked out. Gone. Forever removed. Oh wait--was that supposed to be wisdom teeth? Ah, probably. Considering that I've been holding an icepack up to my face (20 minutes on, 20 minutes off) and my jaw is pretty numb.

This morning, I got drilled, yanked, and bloodied up. Also known as the experience of wisdom teeth removal. If you can avoid this, please do so. Not meaning be unhealthy or have pain--just if the dentist says you don't have to, don't. It was interesting, but I got something like 8 shots of anesthetic and I'm only just now recovering feeling in my chin and lower lip. And the appointment was at 10 am this morning.

That was just the bottom two teeth, thank goodness. The dentist said that my uppers hadn't erupted (poked through, I think) and they looked like if they did, it would be okay and not cause pain. So I just got two out, which was fine with me.

It was kind of really gross to see the aide using a little sucker tube to get all of the blood to come out of my mouth. I usually do okay around blood, so I was fine and didn't faint, but it was still gross. They drilled around the teeth and then pried them/yanked them out with pliers. Actually, they cut the gum first with a knife. Am I grossing you out? For some reason I'm in a weird mood and I find that funny. Sorry. :P

We did not get laughing gas (which has a weird scientific name that I don't remember) because my sister got it when she got her wisdom teeth out three weeks ago and it made her sick and depressed. Not cool. So I was lucid all through and am lucid and hopefully will remain lucid. I chatted with the dentists in little breaks between pulls. (that's kind of weird, now that I think of it) I'm just tired.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to go watch some more movies. I've been chillin with power rangers, BBC Robin Hood, and Pixar movies. I love that stuff. I hope you all are having smashing days!

-Tina

Break Open the Sky

School is almost over. I'm in my last week, the tail end of the fourth quarter. And man, does it stink.

I hate the feeling that you get when you're almost, almost to the end of something but you've got a huge mound of work to plow through in order to get there. It's like having a word at the tip of your tongue and not remembering it, so you can't spit it out. The feeling that you're almost there, but not quite.

The feeling frustrates me a great deal, especially when the big mound of stuff is compsoed of things that are really hard and that I don't feel particularly good at. For example, my school loves to give me writing projects. Make that 'adores'. They dish them into my lap directly at the end of the quarter and I feel overwhelmed, especially at the end of the last quarter.

I've currently got a final essay to do that I've only hesitatingly outlined (because it's difficult and I didn't know where to start), an American Literature test to finish that contains several short essays, and a History test with its own set of essays. After I finish that, my mom will be handing me papers back that I've already given her to check and I'll have to revise their red-inky messness.

Besides the pile-up of work, I feel....I feel stifled. I'm a perfectionist (unfortunately) and my last interpretive essay did not get as good of a grade as I thought it would. Isn't that the worst feeling? You think that you did great and it turns out that you were wrong. :(

I do have a substantial reason for wanting to be perfect, though: I'm going to apply for film school when I graduate and the universities I've been looking at are really, really tough to get into. 4.0 gradepoint is average there. That's what they look for when you try to get in. I really, really want to go to film school and I feel called to go there, but I get really nervous when I don't get as good grades as I'd like.

Furthermore, I'm taking the SAT this saturday. Yeah, exciting and joyous. :P I haven't been able to study as much as I should because of school and life and I'm scared that I'll fail it, or at least get a bad grade that will show up as miserable on college applications.

See the leading theme here? It's fear. Fear of failing, fear of not doing as well as I'd like to, fear of everything.

All of these fears about my schoolwork and tests are coming because I really want to get into a good college and pursue what I love and I'm scared that I won't be able to get there.

Funny thing is, it doesn't have to be like this, because here's the thing: If I'm meant to go to film school--if I'm truly and surely called to go there, I'll go. Plain and simple. I've been forgetting in every step that I've worried that God is in charge. If I mess up in school and skitter around in trying to follow his plan for me, do you think that worries him? Heck, no! He's God!

God can take care of me. I forget that all the time. He's the one in charge of my life, not me. He's the one in charge of my education. My future college. My grades. Everything. If I mess up in getting to one of the steps of his plan, he's not going to be messed up!

I have this mental image right now of God controlling everything, and when I make a mistake, he makes a little adjustment and BAM! Everything goes on smoothly. Just because I won't get to film school one way, that doesn't mean I won't get to film school at all. If I'm meant to go there, I'll go there. It's brings some song lyrics to mind:

He'll break open the sky
For those who cry out His name.
Throwing the wind and waves at bay,
He's strong enough to save you.

God is in control. He can do anything and bring you exactly where you need to go.

Isn't that ridiculously simple? I think so. And it's more than comforting for me. It's so hard not to worry, but I'm going to work hard, because not worrying doesn't mean not trying your best, and let the results stay in God's hands. Getting worked up and angry and upset is human, but it does nothing for me or for anyone.

I was getting really angry about my grades and how much time I had to study when I suddenly realized (or maybe God pointed it out :) ) that God is controlling every bit of my life. He loves me, He loves you, and He's certainly got everything arranged so that you'll go where you're meant to.

Now to go do schoolwork--and keep calm this time. :)

-Tina