Break Open the Sky

School is almost over. I'm in my last week, the tail end of the fourth quarter. And man, does it stink.

I hate the feeling that you get when you're almost, almost to the end of something but you've got a huge mound of work to plow through in order to get there. It's like having a word at the tip of your tongue and not remembering it, so you can't spit it out. The feeling that you're almost there, but not quite.

The feeling frustrates me a great deal, especially when the big mound of stuff is compsoed of things that are really hard and that I don't feel particularly good at. For example, my school loves to give me writing projects. Make that 'adores'. They dish them into my lap directly at the end of the quarter and I feel overwhelmed, especially at the end of the last quarter.

I've currently got a final essay to do that I've only hesitatingly outlined (because it's difficult and I didn't know where to start), an American Literature test to finish that contains several short essays, and a History test with its own set of essays. After I finish that, my mom will be handing me papers back that I've already given her to check and I'll have to revise their red-inky messness.

Besides the pile-up of work, I feel....I feel stifled. I'm a perfectionist (unfortunately) and my last interpretive essay did not get as good of a grade as I thought it would. Isn't that the worst feeling? You think that you did great and it turns out that you were wrong. :(

I do have a substantial reason for wanting to be perfect, though: I'm going to apply for film school when I graduate and the universities I've been looking at are really, really tough to get into. 4.0 gradepoint is average there. That's what they look for when you try to get in. I really, really want to go to film school and I feel called to go there, but I get really nervous when I don't get as good grades as I'd like.

Furthermore, I'm taking the SAT this saturday. Yeah, exciting and joyous. :P I haven't been able to study as much as I should because of school and life and I'm scared that I'll fail it, or at least get a bad grade that will show up as miserable on college applications.

See the leading theme here? It's fear. Fear of failing, fear of not doing as well as I'd like to, fear of everything.

All of these fears about my schoolwork and tests are coming because I really want to get into a good college and pursue what I love and I'm scared that I won't be able to get there.

Funny thing is, it doesn't have to be like this, because here's the thing: If I'm meant to go to film school--if I'm truly and surely called to go there, I'll go. Plain and simple. I've been forgetting in every step that I've worried that God is in charge. If I mess up in school and skitter around in trying to follow his plan for me, do you think that worries him? Heck, no! He's God!

God can take care of me. I forget that all the time. He's the one in charge of my life, not me. He's the one in charge of my education. My future college. My grades. Everything. If I mess up in getting to one of the steps of his plan, he's not going to be messed up!

I have this mental image right now of God controlling everything, and when I make a mistake, he makes a little adjustment and BAM! Everything goes on smoothly. Just because I won't get to film school one way, that doesn't mean I won't get to film school at all. If I'm meant to go there, I'll go there. It's brings some song lyrics to mind:

He'll break open the sky
For those who cry out His name.
Throwing the wind and waves at bay,
He's strong enough to save you.

God is in control. He can do anything and bring you exactly where you need to go.

Isn't that ridiculously simple? I think so. And it's more than comforting for me. It's so hard not to worry, but I'm going to work hard, because not worrying doesn't mean not trying your best, and let the results stay in God's hands. Getting worked up and angry and upset is human, but it does nothing for me or for anyone.

I was getting really angry about my grades and how much time I had to study when I suddenly realized (or maybe God pointed it out :) ) that God is controlling every bit of my life. He loves me, He loves you, and He's certainly got everything arranged so that you'll go where you're meant to.

Now to go do schoolwork--and keep calm this time. :)

-Tina