Turn around

"You don't have to take the broken road. You can turn around and come back home."

I've had the mentality that because I have started acting a certain way in a situation or relationship, I have to keep acting that way. I'm a writer, and I've drilled character consistency into my writing so hard that I've ended up drilling it into myself. Yet that's not how we're meant to be as humans, is it? We're meant to change, to grow. I embrace that growth if it's going to Mass more often or praying more regularly, but when it comes to living every day and changing how I act in relationships, I'm scared to change.

Honestly, will they think I'm weird if I pull back when I realize I've been flirting too much? When I've been grumpy? I get mired in my own muck and unconsciously tell myself that it's too bad for me to feel that way because once I've begun treating someone a certain way, I can't change.

Why should that stop me from changing anyways if it's RIGHT? It shouldn't. In theory, I'm willing to try this change, but in practice, I feel so weak.

Politicians probably feel like this a lot. When they make a mistake, it's held over them for their entire career, even if it happened decades ago. How is that fair? Humans are meant to change! Regardless of my hold-up with it, change for the better is to be encouraged, and it is definitely not impossible! If people don't believe that, people will never change for the better because they'll believe they can't.

You don't have to be stuck in a rut. You can turn around. You can change. And one of the ways that you can help others and yourself to do it too is to believe that you and they can.

-Tina

These lonely lullabies...

If I could forget home, I would be worried about myself, and in no way do I want to be able to; yet this dull ache really hurts. It's the week of Thanksgiving, and I'm lonely and homesick.

We don't have any traditions in particular traditions at home for Thanksgiving, but just being there was enough. It's like being cradled in a very warm and soft blanket, or being held by your daddy. You feel safe and warm and content-- happy.

I'm going to my sister's house here in San Diego on Wednesday, but until then, I'm just hanging out at school and working on homework. It's lonely.

Do you know, when I'm lonely, I stay up very late? I don't really know why. Just staying on the computer makes me feel as though I have a connection to the world, and if I let go I feel vulnerable. I haven't done that since I was at home. Funny-- I still felt lonely at home. I suppose why it seems more significant is that I haven't felt that way here and haven't stayed up late for that reason until last night. Even so, I miss home.

I do love my school. I'm meant to be here; I've been feeling that strongly. Still- I miss it. It's the familiarity, and the routine, and the people, and how it's relaxed and regular.

I thought last night -- as I was threatening to wallow in self-pity-- about how people all over the world feel particularly sad on holidays because their family members or spouses have died. I feel a little of how they must feel, I think, though not so strongly. They must hurt more than I do. I prayed for them, and that was good. It's like I'm being lonely with people, and then we're not lonely anymore.

-Tina

Mess of Me

People in film are notorious for being unable to keep up relationships, to hold families together-- to even date for extended periods of time. Ever thought about why?

Most [Christian] people would say it's because they don't know God, and that's why the relationship doesn't stick. Legit answer, that, I'll give you; but it's not entirely right.

It's the mindset rather than the method that's messed up here. Do any of you (quite honestly) know how many hours a filmmaker spends working on a production each day? Give me a guess. Eight? Ten? Twelve?

It's higher. The average is 15+ hours of work on the set.

That is insane. That barely allows time for SLEEP, much less family and relationships.

Filmmakers have deadlines, and they work like crazy before production, during, and after. Then they start a new production.

Their life is their work. Relationships require effort to work out, and they can't give them that.

Actors have it similarly, though not as bad. When working on a film, they're putting in long days too, and their contracts often require them to go in to re-film certain scenes after the movie is over, or to record voice-overs. It's a long process; really long.

This mindset of work as all important is a big mess. It's a misplacement of priorities and I'm out to change it. Lord, show us what MATTERS!

-Tina

We caught onto something...

In that song, Taylor Swift starts off singing, "Once upon a time...", and that's what I'm going to say to you.

Once upon a time,

I believe it was a Sunday night when I was trying

to avoid my homework

was looking on the line

saw a cool commercial for a show I thought I'd like

thought you'd want to see it too cause we

want to avoid the crap that's always on tv

maybe catch on to something

I hold on to the night

October 23rd, at eight-oh EST,

oh oh...

Check it out!

Bring Your Kingdom

Here I am, world, in California at last! I'm all moved into my room, which I share with a wonderful girl named Carol. My parents came to drop me off/help move me in, but though they're here in California until Tuesday, they said good-bye today. (they're staying with my brother-in-law's family, who, along with him, live in town)

It's surreal, and emotional, and hard. Right now I'm listening to Owl City for the first time in my bedroom, and it feels so strange and, call me silly, almost inaugural. It's a foreshadowing of what's going to come, that many nights I might be doing the same thing; typing away at my computer and listening to music. Weird.

We had some really inspiring speeches by members of the faculty and staff (is that redundant?) of the school yesterday. It was good to remember that my focus at this school has to be Christ first, and then everything else will fall into place. Our society in the U.S. is so complacent. We're living in a world filled with muck and dung and we're ignoring it. The worst of us are even pretending to enjoy it, but that doesn't fulfill in the end, and they'll realize that.

Us film people at my school are going to be the ones jumping on the laps of all of these complacent people, and shouting in their faces to MAKE THEM LISTEN. We won't shut up; we won't ever shut up. People don't listen anymore. They don't want to hear the problems, about the pain, about the fact that babies are being killed every day and that there are 20 million people still slaves (literal slaves) in this world. They've got to hear it, though. We can't make a change by ourselves. We're meant to go out and get help.

I know a lot of people believe that the world is going to hell in a handbasket and that there's no hope for it. They write off the majority of humanity, our government, the media, and seem to think that if all that burned to the ground and we had room to start over, that would be the best way to change the world. To recreate it.

Maybe that would be easier. Maybe. Maybe it would be easier just to be good and follow God faithfully and just naysay that problems in the world. Probably. Yet that's not what I plan to do, nor what I think the rest of the world should do. We've got one world, and our goal should be to bring it to Christ. Not just to change it, for better or for worse. To bring it to Christ, to change hearts toward Him. To show the world that only Christ truly fulfills that gnawing gap inside everyone. To be missionaries in the world so that Christ can bring His kingdom.

I'm not saying that Christ couldn't do it without us, but He's not going to do it in the lives of people who don't love Him, don't care about Him, or flat-out reject Him. I want the world to know the love of Christ. I'm not going to write off the most sinful creatures humanity has to offer. I want to be an instrument of Christ, to be a part of His plan for the redemption of humanity.

Bring Your Kingdom, Lord!

-Tina

p.s., I'm going to be posting a lot more now that I'm in college to keep people updated on my life. Stay tuned! :)

Be thankful for what precious locks you have!

Starting with "Rugs From Me to You" by Owl City is appropriately fun for talking about my interesting customers at Panera Bread. I got the job, and I work there now!

The first interesting ones were from a group of seniors. The lady in charge drafted me into setting up a row of tables--"ten come sometimes, but twelve other times...let's just set up for twelve..."

So I did, chatting with her all the while as I looked at a bag of things they (presumably) were planning to use-- "we go up and down this street every Monday night!"-- I thought it sounded like fun. They sure seemed to be having a ball! We must've had twelve seniors in that row of tables lined up between a booth and a set of chairs. As I told my coworker, "They're the old people who do aging right and make us jealous." Mmhm. I loved them.

Then there was an excellent old man who leaned his arms on the glass above me as I pulled out pastries to restock our pastry display plates--

"You got a lot of pastries down there?"

"Yep, just restocking them!"

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Going to college soon, then?"

"Yeah, in September. My college starts late and ends late."

"Where are you going?"

"California--"

"Oh!"

"--for film school. I'm going to learn to write for movies." (smiling)

"How long does that take, then?"

"Four years to get a bachelors degree-- unless I decide to get my masters degree. Who knows?"

The man smiles at me conspiratorially, like an old crony, "I got my masters degree."

"Wow, really?"

"Even beyond that! Don't I look it?" There's a twinkle in his eye.

"Oh, of course!" There's a twinkle in my eye.

"Now," Getting down to business now, "I want you to pick out the best pecan roll for me."

"All right!"

"Make sure you choose right, now! I'm taking it with me to go. Do you like them?"

"Yes, I do. They're one of my favorite pastries. So sticky and gooey and delicious!"

"My mom used to make them for me."

So I got him his roll (the very best one) and gave it to him in a bag with a napkin, fork, and knife. He was so cool. I liked how he took the time to talk with me.

THEN TODAY I met a woman named Carrie who decided that she wanted a chocolate chip cookie along with her pick-up order-- "You can sprinkle some fertility pills on that cookie for me!" (me: ....)--she's on the phone, so whoever's on the other line asks a question-- "yeah, just told her she can put some fertility pills on my cookie so I can have a baby!"

I wanted to tell her I would pray for her, and that was better, but you know-- sometimes I think it's better if you resolve to do it and don't say anything, especially when you're at work and it's not a Christian workplace. Praying for her, and I hope you'll pray too!

So those are my funny customers: bald, distinguished with several degrees, and wanting a baby! If I meet some more (and I'm sure I will!) I'll post about them, too!

-Tina

p.s., linking up with the draftless challenge over at Dramatic Elegance. :)

The One Who Lifts Us Up From the Grave

Friday favorites is something that I read over at Rachel Marie Martin's Blog-- Finding Joy.

I never thought I'd do one myself because I don't have amazing photography (like she does), and I figured I'd be too busy to grace the internet world with more than one post a week. Yet here I am, finding that I need to slow down and just realize what my favorite things are; just to stop and think and be thankful.

Burritos for dinner!

My mum makes really excellent burritos. These aren't them (I borrowed the picture off the internet), but they look very like these. They have a really delicious chili-tomato sauce in them, pinto beans, sour cream, cheddar cheese, and lettuce. She's making them for dinner tonight and I'm excited, because they're generally a birthday treat and it's not even anyone's birthday!

Google Chrome

I was once a hardcore Internet Explorer user. Then I discovered that the only reason I use it is out of habit and because it's conveniently pinned to my taskbar! Fie upon thee, Internet Explorer! I have unpinned you from my taskbar and put Google Chrome in your place (a browser, which, unlike you, saves posts if you accidentally hit the forward or backward button on your browser :) )

BBC Merlin

As I've said before, the BBC is excellent at putting out quality TV programs that have storyline, plot *coughunlikeUStelevisioncough*, and DON'T have that nasty gunk in it, such as sexuality and crude language. Sometimes it makes me think, sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry. All in all, good things for a TV show to do for you.

Really great coworkers

That you can talk to about books, movies, things that you like. Coworkers you can joke with. I never thought I'd find a kindred spirit at work, but I think I've come close.

GOD.

God is beautiful and wonderful. I feel so overwhelmed by life. At work, I struggle to please my managers and go fast, and when they call me out on going too slowly, I carry that with me and feel awful, and even start to beat myself up about it.

Then I remember: my worth does not come from how well I do at work, or how thorough or quick I am, but from God's love for me: and that's HUGE. Nothing I can ever do can take that away. Nothing.

Link up over at Finding Joy!

-Tina

I would walk a thousand miles if I could just see you.

People can say that they want something a million times and act perfectly serious about it, and you think nothing of it. But if they keep saying that they want something, you remember it and wait to see what they'll do about it. If they don't do anything to back up their words, then you think they're being cheap-- that they don't have their money where their mouth is. They've said they want something, but they're not taking action to achieve it.

Action makes words solid. It's the thing that shows that you're actually serious about something, about following up desires and making them happen.

If you love someone, you can tell them, "I would walk a thousand miles if I could just see you." But those are just words. The real test of love is when you actually walk those thousand miles and they realize how much you love them, that you love them enough to walk the thousand miles.

Action is more than just showing someone that you were serious. When a person says, "I want to be a star basketball player," that's all well and good, but until they begin working at becoming a basketball player--practicing and working out and taking lessons from an experienced coach-- they're not going to become a star basketball player. They won't even have a chance. The practice not only shows people that they were serious about their dream, it makes the dream come closer to a reality.

Heaven is like this, I've realized. You're only going to get to Heaven if you want to be there. God's not going to force you in, kicking and screaming, if you don't want to be there at all. Yet you have to do more than just have a vague desire not to go to Hell, or even a vague desire that you'd like to be in Heaven and be happy with God. You have to put your money where your mouth is. You've got to act like you want to go to Heaven. You've got to love God in everything you do and apologize when you mess up and love others and keep desiring to be with him, heart and soul, mind and body.

Put your money where your mouth is. Eternity is not something to be wishy-washy about; you can't be on the fence. Decide where you're going to go, and go beyond. Live out your decision in your actions. Your soul's destination depends on it.

-Tina

The Car Crash of the Century

This post title is not a metaphor.

Hospital Flowers actually applies to me quite well right now, aside from the fact that I didn't go to the hospital and I didn't receive violets filling my room as recompense for the dreadful accident (which would have been nice, I must say).

The story? It was raining very hard, the road was extremely slick, I was in a van with not-so-good tires going along the highway at 55 miles per hour. When the wheel in my hands started to slip wrong ways, I started to worry, but I wrestled it back where it was supposed to be and thought I was okay and only worried that the guys following me would think I looked like I was drunk. (stupid? yes. but that was how I was weaving)

I wasn't okay. The wheels hadn't successfully rebelled, and they were determined to-- so they tried again and succeeded. Maybe I'd overcompensated for the first time I started losing control, or maybe I was going too fast, but in any case, the van whipped around more than 180 degrees and I crashed into the guard rail of the highway and slid down the embankment.

My heart was in my mouth. I thought I was going to die. All I could do as I spun around in what couldn't have been more than ten seconds was try to hold onto the wheel and pray as hard as I could that I didn't hit anyone. The worst possible thing that could happen was me killing someone or severely injuring them in a car accident.

Everything seemed to start again once the car stopped. While I was spinning, it was like time slowed down, because I can remember exactly what I was thinking in those ten seconds, but I can only vaguely remember the details of what happened afterward.

The guys following me pulled off the highway and got me out of the car and sent me to sit in their car, out of the rain, and I tried calling my family members. They didn't pick up at first, but I managed to contact them, especially my dad. My sister even drove out to the accident and gave me a much-needed hug, even though everything was pretty much over by the time she got there.

Firemen and a policewoman came within fifteen minutes of the accident and helped us so much. They were so kind. The firemen even managed to drive the van down the embankment and through a fence gate onto a side street so that we didn't have to pay to get a tow. Thank you Lord!

The policewoman brought me to her patrol car so that we could fill out an accident report. It wasn't until I sat down in the too-little-legroom back seat that I realized I was trembling on the inside; maybe on the outside, too. She was so helpful and good and we filled out the report together really nicely. She didn't put any points on my driving record, but reminded me to check the vehicle condition and take note of driving conditions so that I could drive accordingly. Yes ma'am!

The van still worked to drive, and we actually ended up driving it to our destination, along with the rest of the boys in the other car. One of the guys drove the van for me because I just couldn't do it right then. You know how you can shirk away from some kinds of food if you've just thrown them up from being sick? That's how it was with me.

Our destination was our filming location, actually, and we ended up filming regardless of the accident-- just picked ourselves up and kept going. It was hard, but something good came out of the accident, like in Hospital Flowers. I'd been tense about the filming, about everything going well, and the accident reminded me that I am not perfect. I'm not going to be perfect. I've messed up, and I'm very sure I'll do so again, but that's okay.

Realizing that we're not perfect allows us to move on through our mistakes and make the best of problems, and to give it all to God-- it even allows us to be cheerful about the bad parts of life. If we're stuck in thinking everything HAS to be perfect, when things aren't (as they inevitably will be), then we'll seize up when mistakes happen, or be so stressed about the possibility of bad things happening that we'll freeze and not be able to function.

So even though I felt so cool driving this enormous van in the rain (as I did), on top of the world, I messed up and got knocked off my high horse. And because of that realization of imperfection, I learned some humility and was able to be flexible during filming and be joyful through the times we messed up and try again, and to be okay if things weren't just so, at least most of the time.

Filming went better because of the car crash of the century. Maybe that was my roomful of violets. :)

-Tina

Sweep you off your feet!

Remember how I love film? Life and I teamed up to throw me a curveball. Yes, that's right. I threw myself a curveball. It's CURVED, after all, right?

I'm creating a film from one of my screenplays, this very summer! It's the end of this month. I wrote it and have been drafting people to help me make it since...April or May, I think. So it's my fault if I'm busy, but not entirely, I think, because I didn't have any idea that things would get so much bigger so fast!

I'd been looking for awhile (halfheartedly) for actors to be in the film. It's only six minutes long, one day of shooting, two people to cast. I figured, who wouldn't want to do it? Good question, but I was too shy to ask so I never found out the answer...

...or wouldn't have if my director didn't keep bugging me (in a good way) in asking whether or not I'd found a cast yet.

So I emailed my local community theatre, asking if they'd pass on a casting call for the film from me to people they know that fit the roles.

The next day, I got seven emails and phonecalls.

Wow.

We set up auditions, which took place yesterday and this morning and I recorded them so that the director (who is far away from me, too far to come for auditions) could look the people over and do casting. We think we've made choices. Isn't that great?

I was so pleasantly surprised that so many people WANTED to be in the film that I wrote. It's a cool feeling to be sought after. Don't worry, though. I won't fall in love with it. I'll seek fulfillment in God-- but prayers that I do won't hurt.

Now I've got to find a computer of my own to bring to the shoot (and to college in September) and a boom microphone. Yikes! This should be interesting. Oh, life and me. You're so inventive.

-Tina

p.s.

And also. I figured writing two posts in a row would be pretty ridiculous. So I'd like to mention my bucket list right here, linking up with Polka Dot @ (life is too short not to) wear red shoes. She's having a marvelous, exciting giveaway which you can learn all about here.

Trying not to be one-dimensional here with only film things...

1. write a film and have it adapted to screen and retain the awesomeness of the writing
2. write a film and have steven spielberg direct it
3. visit owl city in owatonna; bring choco tacos, a portable piano, and Skylie.
4. live a year each in Ireland, England, and Wales, not necessarily all in a row
5. meet the pope
6. be brave enough to not start conversations with fluff talk
7. go mountain climbing as a regular hobby
8. learn how to fly a military plane
9. meet george lucas
10. wield a lightsaber as it is meant to be wielded

so. :)

Tell me again, was it love at first sight?

So, flirting.

Everyone seems to do it. It seems like just a fact of life, that every girl and guy does it to each other if there's even a little bit of attraction between them.

It's not considered "wrong", either. Not usually. Not if it's friendly flirting with people you know.

But just because something is not "wrong", does that make it "right"?

It seems to me that when you flirt with a guy (as a girl), that guy is led to believe that since you flirt with him, you likely flirt with other guys. I've heard this from a guy, so I'm not just speculating. Strike one against the girl. That doesn't make the guy feel special.

Some people say that flirting encourages the guy. Well, if the guy doesn't like you enough to come out and pursue you, then any amount of encouragement isn't going to do anything. If a guy really, really likes a girl, even though he's shy, he'll be willing to go right up to her. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time.

Finally, guys love the challenge of pursuing a girl. When a girl is flirting, she's throwing herself at him, though it's in a minor way. If she's already all there for him, where is the challenge? There isn't any. Why should he be interested for the right reasons? For your mind, for the excitement of discovering your personality? He wouldn't be.

So, flirting.

It doesn't seem to me to be a good way to start a relationship, or even as a way to present yourself to a man. I'm resolving to just be comfortable in myself around men and not be overly comfortable or overly tense. Just to be myself in God and to love men as brothers. God'll take it from there and we'll go onto the next step in relationships when a man gets up the gumption to pursue me.

-Tina

p.s., lots of this was inspired by the book How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul by Jason & Crystalina Evert, which is a great book. It has a cheesy title, but it's very well written and so applicable to life.

Ablaze With Wondrous Things

These latest posts have been titled with Owl City lyrics for a very good reason.

This is that I absolutely love Owl City. He's an excellent artist, he produces and mixes his own work, and he's very creative. Plus his music stirs new ideas up inside me. It's really wonderful.

His newest CD, All Things Bright And Beautiful, came out today! I hopped on over to my favorite bookstore in town and found it with the help of a sales associate because their organizing system is really awful. You'd think that on the first day of its release they'd put it on the New Release stand, but no! They have no taste.

For me, his songs have to be digested. I listen the first time and get a vague feel for it, but every time I listen after that, it's like I'm discovering a new layer of his intent with the music, and the emotions he means to stir up in the listener. Maybe just the emotions and feelings that are stirred up in me.

An example of this was something I discovered while listening to "Galaxies" for the tenth time the other day. I heard this bit:

"Oh, telescope, keep an eye on my only hope
lest I blink and be swept off the narrow road,"

I never thought of it before, but he sounds like he's reminding himself to keep an eye on God so he stays on the straight and narrow. Wow.

Right now I'm listening to my new CD for the very first time. It's really great and fun so far. His music is fresh and clean and bright and, well, beautiful! I love "Angels"-- it's so beautiful and has a great melodic line.

So there's my fandom and my big, enormous excitement about a whole new CD. I love new CDs that have songs on them that I've never, ever listened to.

Have a lovely night/day!

-Tina

Should we up and go with him?

No way!



I conform in life. You conform in life.

It's when you swallow your opinions and beliefs for the sake of someone else, or to not offend someone else. Or because everyone else is doing something else.

Conforming isn't all bad, you know. Shutting up about how much you adore the President of France in the presence of someone who absolutely hates him is a kindness. Not being blatantly rude with the force of your opinions is just decent.

But changing the way you live? The way you think? Because it's cool? Because that's the way it's done? Because it's normal that way?

I'm sorry, but that's not okay with me.

People can say that they mean to impact culture. Great! I'm glad that they have that goal! But what do they do about it? Do exactly the same things that everyone in the culture already does, cause that's the way it's done. That's how to get popular. That's not an impact. That's becoming a chameleon.

Popularity is often the result of someone conforming. People like people that are similar to them, that don't challenge their ideas or "judge" them. Making an impact is very unpopular sometimes. Martin Luther King was killed. So was Lincoln. So were many popes. For that matter, so was God.

Conforming does not have to be to doing something that you don't like. Oh yes, you can like the thing that you're conforming to. You can like getting to see all of those cool movies or listening to that music, or going to that concert, but the fact of the matter is that we're called to something more.

I want to change the world. This weekend, I was presented with a choice. Go do something that I really wanted to do, or not do it and go for the greater good. The thing wasn't inherently bad. It even had some good parts. But when I looked at myself in real honesty, I knew that it would be an occasion of sin for me. I knew that, but I wanted to do it anyways.

So I'm not going to do it-- I'm gonna choose something different, something healthier. It's so hard to go beyond just being moral. To make an impact by being that one person who is different, who searches amid all of the muck in the world for that one bit of shine and beauty, for the great rather than the usual.

I'm not going to be popular because of these choices. But yesterday I was venting to my dad how much I hated conformism and settling for the normal, for the usual, and then I started doing the same thing and realized that I was being a hypocrite. Great move, me. I stopped partially because I felt guilty about it, but I guess that was one way that God showed me that I ought to stop.

So. Even when the situation's awfully dim and we feel that we should up and go with the other guy who's getting all the great stuff by conforming to the world, we should bite the bullet and say, "NO WAY!"

-Tina

There's more to this Brave Adventure than you'd Ever Believe!

The adventure started when you were born. Do you remember it? Do you remember that moment that spurred your adventure and your conflict? The minute you were born, you were set out as a warrior maiden or a knight to fight the evil in the world. That is your mission. That is your conflict.

We're all players in a grand dance, a great battle. In ordinary, every day life, I think that we forget that. We are charged to jump above the average standard, chase our dreams, and fight for the good.

We've got swords. We may lose them from time to time, but we know how to fight. It's ingrained in us, to be soldiers of the Most High, our commander.

The trouble comes when we desert the army. We often decide that our cause is not worth fighting for, that maybe the enemy is the one that has the right idea and that we should join him.

Some of the deserters honestly believe that. I don't doubt that. But most deserters are afraid, like deserters in the armies of the world. They know that they are called to leap beyond, to go in the storms and to get hurt for their commander. That is frightening, you know. To go with their faces firmly forward amid hail and windstorms and bullets and to never look back. The deserters don't want to do this. They would rather settle to live a common civilian life.

But no one is called to be a civilian. Our enemy is active, and he works among us to create dissent among the ranks. He fools us into thinking that we are the enemies of each other. That is false. Take up your sword and fight. It's hard, it's insane to some, and it's not what our enemy tells us is normal. But it is right.

-Tina

"Home is a boxcar, and it's so far out of reach..."

Number 1:

This is the future: I'm leaving home in four months. Four. September? Nice to meet you and then I leave you.

I'm scared, to tell the truth. The closer I get, the more real it becomes. Up until this point, it's felt like a vague excitement, not quite real. It is real, though. I'm going to leave for months and months.

Is this what college feels like at first? I'll be at a school where I know no one. I know I can make friends. I've got to trust that I can at least, or else I've got no hope and I'll feel awful about college.

I'm going to learn to do what I love. That's my consolation; and maybe, just maybe one day I'll be able to do what I love as a career. I hope so.

Number 2:

I wrote an entire power rangers TV show pilot! Of course, I'm masquerading it as something other than Power Rangers, and it'll be superior to anything that Power Rangers can churn out-- but still. It's the fulfillment of a dream, and that feels so sweet, like a taste of sugar on my lips.

Perhaps, if more dreams don't turn to dust, I'll film a short movie this summer. Oh, I hope so. I just wish that the film people of Grand Rapids would come out of the woodwork and collaborate with me. It would be so awesome if that happened.

Number 3:

I love music, and have started to like some new bands. I first started listening to Owl City about a year ago and loved "Fireflies", but that was only the tip of the iceberg. I liked some of his other stuff, but apparently it improves with age because I've fallen headfirst into an Owl City fandom in listening to his beautiful music. He's a very good artist in that he has lyrics like poetry and music that's so interestingly mixed.

Number 4:

I'm starting to be okay with not being in love or not having boys flirting with me or wanting to go on dates with me. For awhile I thought that I would cave in and break because I wasn't getting love from that outside source, from a boy-- but I've come to be satisfied by God where I am and with how I am loved right now. I've got to be satisfied with myself and the love I've got in God before a man comes into my life. Otherwise it'll be like I'm searching for fulfillment in places other than God. It'll be like I think that a boy can fulfill me and love me better than God can. That's not true, and I need to constantly learn that, every day.

So that's my life right now! I'm doing my best to finish my schoolwork so that I can be done with High School forever, but I'm dreaming of June and the time that I'll have already finished. Those daydreams make me a little less inclined to do the work I've got to do to get there. :P

Talk to ya'll later!

-Tina

I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope.

And that makes me feel brave.



There's a girl out there that needs bravery right now. Her name is Emily.

She's a beautiful girl from England who has leukemia. She went into remission for a little while early this year, but the cancer came back in March. Now the doctors are saying that they're going to stop chemotherapy because it's not working.

I don't even know her, but I'm proud of her.

She's fighting, day after day. She's living, and she's believing in God even though it's fricken hard.

Pain is in the world. Hurt is in the world. Death is in the world. We have to deal with all of them, but generally they don't hit us when we're young. They hit her, but she's living. Living to the full.

Pain is not an indicator to fall over and decide to die. Reading her blog taught me that. Neither is pain something to ignore, to pretend it's not there and blindly believe that it has to go away, it MUST go away.

Pain is hard, but it's a daily something to live with. We are not to whine. We are not to be blind. We are to trust, even when it's hard and not understandable.

This girl's simply posting made me realize that.

I'm praying for you, Emily!

-Tina

I Am A Dreamer

I spoke to the manager of a Panera Bread about my application for a job there today. Relatively normal? Yes. Normal for me? No. I've never talked to a manager before or followed up a job opportunity seriously. It was kind of scary. Thinking of working there this summer is even more scary, but I want to do it.

The reason that I want to do it is because I want to embrace life and live it to the full. I am so bad at that from day to day. See, I've got these big dreams-- really huge dreams, actually, but I don't really do much with them. I do school, go on the computer, but I do not motivate myself to go above and beyond and seize the day. I want to be a screenwriter, but when do I write screenplays? Not so much.

This should change.

Seizing the day is not living in the normal. It's living for God and fulfilling your duties in life to the fullest, and appreciate everything you've got and every opportunity you've got when it's there by taking it. That's not to say to overwork yourself, but I'm more in danger of underworking myself, of not realizing my potential. Of not realizing my dreams.

There's another connection to my post title that I found this week, and I'd like to share it with you. It's a poem.

Dreamers
by Siegfried Sassoon

Soldiers are citizens of death's grey land,
Drawing no dividend from time's tomorrows.
In the great hour of destiny they stand,
Each with his feuds, and jealousies, and sorrows.
Soldiers are sworn to action; they must win
Some flaming, fatal climax with their lives.
Soldiers are dreamers; when the guns begin
They think of firelit homes, clean beds, and wives.

I see them in foul dug-outs, gnawed by rats,
And in the ruined trenches, lashed with rain,
Dreaming of things they did with balls and bats,
And mocked by hopeless longing to regain
Bank-holidays, and picture shows, and spats,
And going to the office in the train.

-------

It's a really sad poem. It is. It makes me cry. But it throws things in perspective. Soldiers dream of doing normal things, and you better believe that if they had the chance to be home instead of on the front lines in that horror, they would live their days to the full. I want to do that, to live like everything is precious.

I want to do more than just dream. I want to act.

-Tina

I just wanna sing and dance!

Welcome to another issue of My-Niece Whenever-There-Is-Something-Worth-Writing-About!

This week we've got a special treat for you guys-- Cinderella: Sophia Style.

The main characters?

• 12 inch Barbie as the Stepmother



• 3 inch plastic doll as The Prince



• Fashion Polly Cinderella as Cinderella!

Sophia starts the action by acting out the prince; her mom acts the Stepmother and Cinderella. He finds Cinderella.

Prince: I'll jump you up on the pony!

Cinderella: Oh, how nice!

Prince: I'll see you at da ball!

Cinderella: ...I thought this was the ball.

Prince: When you hear the letter B, come to da ball!

Cinderella: Oh, ok. I'll go home now.

Cinderella goes home, but *gasp*, her stepmother finds her!

Stepmother: Cinderella, you still have to do the vacuuming and the cooking and the cleaning and all your work. Do it now!

Cinderella: Stepmother, I will, but the prince asked me to the ball and I want to go.

Stepmother: NO! I'll lock you in your room! Ha Ha Ha!

The stepmother locks Cinderella in her room, who cries for help for a few minutes but then falls silent.

Meanwhile, the prince goes to their accustomed meeting place. When he doesn't find her there, he breaks out into song:

"Cindoweeeeella! Cindoweeeella! Where are you? And we'll go to da ball and dance and find you...yeah, yeah, yeah, laaaaaaa....Cindoweeeeeellla!"

End of musical interlude.

The prince rushes to Cinderella's house to find her.

Prince: Where is Princowella? (Another word for cinderella, of course)

Stepmother: Cinderella? I don't know who you're talking about!

Prince: (momentarily confused) You know! Princowella! The one I'm gonna dance with at da ball!"

Stepmother: Oh, but I don't want you to dance with her! I want you to go to the ball with one of my own daughters!

(Brief pause while Sophia's mom tries to find girl dolls among the toys.)

Prince: (still confused) Princowella IS your daughter! You're her mothow!

Stepmother: (whilst still looking) No, she's my stepdaughter.

(Sophia's mum comes back with the perfect toy for her stepdaughter)

Anastasia:

(The old man, not the rabbits)

The watcher of this scene promptly bursts out laughing, unable to contain herself any longer.

-Tina

When You Come to Where You're Broken Within

Confession, as Catholics know the word, is not understood by most people in the world.

Really, Catholics are brought up with a mindset considered very strange. Most people don't like to be reminded that they were wrong. Even if some people are willing to admit their sin at the time it was committed, they don't want to remember it or talk about it. They want it blotted out, forever forgotten.

This impulse is natural, but Catholics make themselves remember their sins until confession, which is quite opposite from most people. We deliberately dredge up our faults from the dregs of our minds so that we can verbally confess them to the priest.

Most people shirk from both parts, for the following reasons. 1) Why do you want to keep going back to that awful thing you did, and 2) Why would you want to actually tell someone?

To the first, the benefit of remembering is very strong. If you are conscious that sin is wrong, and you are ashamed of doing it, you don't want to do it again, right? You cannot remember what you'd like to avoid doing if you can't remember what it is.

So WHY try to forget sins and sinful tendencies? To quote a book, "If there's a wasp in the room I like to be able to to see it," The natural conclusion to this is so that one can avoid the wasp. We want to know what our sins are so that we can be on the watch within ourselves for the problems that we have a tendency to fall into. That's the reason to examine and remember.

As for confessing, the genuine belief of Catholics is that God is acting through the priest. God is the one offended by our sins, so he's the one to apologize to. Therefore, if you take it that you are actually confessing to God when confessing to the priest, then we're verbally apologizing for our sins, for offending him.

Why not, though, just apologize to God silently, in a prayer in our heads?

Let’s give another example: why don’t we write someone a note to apologize for wronging them? Of course, we could. But isn’t the apology so much more tangible and personal when said face to face? And if the person has specifically asked for your apologies to come personally, then shouldn’t you oblige them if you’re really sorry?

Besides, what are we shying from in either instance? Embarrassment. An example here could be that we stole something from a person, and they haven’t noticed. It’s extremely embarrassing to let them know that we wronged them, and we wouldn’t look stupid if we just let sleeping dogs lie—but it’s the right thing to do to tell them. In the same way, we don’t want to tell someone else that we’ve messed up in confession. That’s not a good reason to forego apologizing, though.

So: the first step in apologizing is admitting to yourself that you were wrong, that your sin was wrong. The second is telling God so—admitting it to Him and apologizing.

That’s what the penitent’s side of confession is; apology. God’s side is forgiveness, and you know what is really marvelous? After we’ve confessed our sins, we can do what our instinct was to do all along: forget them. Why? Because God already did after giving His forgiveness.

-Tina

I was made to love.

That's why I was created. To love. To be loved. My purpose in life is to love my Creator.

Love takes many forms. It can be typical, like a kiss and a hug. It can be with words. It can be through service. But you know what? I think that every single action can be done with love. And if it is, then the action done fulfills the reason I was created.

I want to write with a spirit of love. To work hard on developing the talent God has given me and then, when people read what I've written, for them to come closer to God through it. Honestly, would that not be awesome? I can only imagine something like that happening with me.

I want to go to school and sit in the classroom and work hard with love in my heart. Not so that I'll look good. Not so that it's just finished already. Not so that I make my points and win all the arguments. Just with a heart that wants to love.

Every action done with love. I imagine the actions flowing out of me drenched with love.

Every single action. That's a LOT.

If I did it all the time, I'd be bone dry of all my love. And know what? I'd become bitter. Good thing I'm not using MY love, then! Not only! God is like a water pitcher! He fills me up. It's like I'm a hose and he's the pipes and then I can spray everyone whether they like it or not. ;)

This is not the reality of now. I'm not that proud, thank goodness. This is a goal. Oh, help, Lord. Help me get there.

-Tina

Same old Tired lonely Place

I was very cranky this afternoon.

Sometimes I get that way. I'm tired, or things haven't gone how I've wanted them to go, or I was frustrated by something. This afternoon the fire alarm went off when I was studying at college in my favorite place, so I had to leave it and study in a cramped hallway. Then in French class my teacher went off about how it was relative if people should be conformist or nonconformist and if either of them actually had a solid definition. Then I wasn't done with school or piano because I'd had to study in the morning for a Biology test.

The thing that began to lift me out of my crankiness was when I was complaining that I was cranky and I wanted a hug, and my nephew came over and snuggled his head into my chest.

It was so sweet. A little corner of my hurting, cranky heart began to feel better.

So what now? I've known forever that I'm extremely rigid. That when things don't go just my way, or a normal way, I get out of sorts. I've known forever that I should change. Now I wonder, if I change, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't get cranky because of these things. They would roll off my back, and I'd be able to smile through the rough parts.

That idea makes me smile. So I think I'll start trying to change. How? The best way I can think is to smile and stay happy and depending on God when the bad things happen. To consciously think, "I'm giving my studies to you, God. You'll help me get them done when they have to be done," when I get off track with schoolwork or am interrupted. To think, "Other people in the world think differently than me. Let me listen and take the good that I can from them, but depend on you for truth, God," when people are annoying and relative.

Then, you know what? Instead of being cranky and hating my night, I'll be able to say,

"This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone."

You're Making My Life a Garden

God is making my life beautiful. The funny thing is, I usually think that I have to tangibly see the beauty to know that he's making it fresh and pure. To see the goodness, that I'm becoming more perfect, that life is getting easier and that temptation is being crowded out by a desire to be good and love God above all else.

All of those things are definitely beautiful, and they're the fruits of following God in how you live. Yet I think that God is shaping me and growing me and making my life more pure even when I can't see Him doing it. It's like he's there invisibly, helping me in those moments where I could trip and fall and standing me up straight. He's the reminders to think the best of people, and to shut up if I haven't anything good to say, or to pay attention in Mass.

These things are tiny. They're even rare, at times in my life. But they're proof that God is real and that He loves me. That even when I'm a jerk, He's not going to give up on me.

That's a wonderful comfort. I'm loved. It's the most special thing to be.

-Tina

I'll be out of my mind...

I would be, rather, if the BBC didn't make such smashingly fantastic TV shows.


Right now, BBC Merlin is my very favorite. I haven't got time to write a full review, but the show tells the story of the great sorcerer Merlin as a young man in Camelot. Using magic is against the law, and for a guy with a natural talent for it, that is a bit of a problem. The creator of the law is the king in town: Uther. He's Arthur's dad (not dead in this reworking of the legend, though Arthur is a young man) and he believes magic to be evil. Is it because he believed the old religion to be wrong, or perhaps because of something rooted deeper?

It's just such a great show. I feel as though movies and TV today barely ever make a distinction between right and wrong. It's so chock full of relativity, and those who are shown to believe that truth exists are depicted in most TV shows as ridiculous or intolerant.

That drives me NUTS. My french teacher seems to share the common opinion that truth is abstract and relative. Luckily, she doesn't grade my papers with a bias for her own beliefs.

So when BBC Merlin actually speaks (blatantly) of doing the right thing, of choosing a higher good (such as knowing and acting on the fact that a good end does NOT justify a bad means), and actually speaking of this as laudable, I'm so glad! I'm so grateful for good TV shows like this.

It's not perfect. Not by any means. Not safe, necessarily. But it IS good.

Let's spend the afternoon in a cold hot air balloon!

I just babysat my niece and nephew. As they are such close relations and more like a brother and sister than niece and nephew, I have license to be a bit snarky when I'm babysitting them. Or so I tell myself. And I let them play alone and am not completely attentive to them all the time.

This afternoon was a bit different, because I played with both of them for a good part of it.

I was pulled at from both sides. My niece wanted me to be her "Baby" and "My dear", and my nephew wanted me to be a fellow magician and a clown with him. It was quite difficult to find the balance.

Just so I won't forget it, I'm going to write what happened between me and Sophia (my niece) as I was pretending to be her "Dear" at bedtime:

"Mama! Mama!" I say as my niece walks away from me at bedtime.

She doesn't respond and has neglected to pull up the covers, so I pull them over myself.

This brings her running back. "No, no, my deaw! (how she says "dear") You go under the covows!"

"I am going under the covers!"

"No, not like that!"

"Fine, then I won't have covers," I say grumpishly.

She runs away to see her mama, and I lay pretending to sleep. Then I wake up. "Mama, mama! I want you to snuggle me!"

Sophia runs back and slaps her hands over my mouth. "SHH, SHH! You wanna heow (hear) a stowey? (story)"

"Yes, mama!"

"Okay, okay. So theyoh (there) was a little giwohl (girl) and hehw (her) name was Tina and she was walking down the stweet and hehw (her) mama came and said, 'It's time fow bed!", so Tina went to bed and hehw mama didn't snuggle her or do anything and the baby went to bed and stopped cwying."

Then she pats me and runs away again.

How is THAT for a message to me? Be quiet and go to bed!

And then I decided I didn't want bedtime anymore and tried to get up and she pounced on me and put me back to bed again, forcibly!

How's that for a three-year-old mother? She's quite the kid!

-Tina

My life be like...

It's good, that's for sure. I lost sight of it all the time, but yep, there it is when I bother myself to actually look.

I filmed a MOVIE this past weekend. Yes, my friends. It was an honest-to-goodness short film. How do you differ between a home movie and our awesomeness of a film? Regard the list:

• We had a camera that's actually HD and not crappy and uses little tapes
• We had a boom (a BOOM, I tell you!) and external sound equipment which sounds SO nice
• We hired actors (we didn't pay them, but they weren't just, say, my mom) and they actually came
• We didn't know the actors before they came (except one, but that was a change in plans--more on that later)
• I bought lunch for my workers and did not send them home to get lunch, or tell them to bring lunch
• We had an actual location, not just my house
• I was working with a director! AAAAH!

And on the list goes! It was such an experience, and I never want to forget it. I usually get so stressed out about these things. I even forget to breathe properly (if you want to reference an old post of mine) and hyperventilate. This time it was different. I think it was because I had an awesome, most splendid director who has been a part of/worked on the crew of what I define as REAL films before. She was so helpful, and I'd like to think we helped each other, too.

Filming was crazy, of course. The actor we hired (whom we didn't know) came to location, found the doors locked (she was supposed to call us to have us let her in, cause we were there) and turned around and went home. This would be fine, except for she lived an hour away. We didn't have a cell phone number with which to contact her, and by the time we did the runaround through my director's mom to get it, she was 45 minutes away. And she couldn't come back.

MAJOR setback! We had location and an actor for this ONE DAY. Our other actor wasn't coming. Solution? Get your friend who was supposed to do continuity for the day to play the part! Crazy lines memorization and lots of frenzy ensues.

It worked out well, though, and the director and I were really surprised at HOW well. It was one of those instances where we were basically, "God, this is yours. We give it to you; it'll work out the way you want it to."

I loved filming, every minute. Being a producer this time around was great. Five hours filming for a five minute film was great. And doing post production this week? That is and will be great too.

I'd love prayers anyhow, though! This is a big business, it is, it is!

-Tina, Producer extraordinaire! :D

If I die young

What if I did? You know, I can say that "I could die tomorrow", but it never hits home for real. What if I was just gone? I'm only seventeen, and death seems so far away from me, like it's reserved for the old. I don't really think about it.

"If I die young,

Bury me in satin,

Lay me down on a bed of roses.

Sink me in the river

At dawn,

Send me away with the words

of a love song"

Life is precious. Strange, but I barely ever think of that life as extending after death. Yes, I believe that life should be preserved here on earth and that the right that babies and impaired people have to life should be protected. Yet death-- it's not so bad, is it? When you die, it's not a state of being. It's like a tunnel. Once your body dies, you-- not those around you-- will go through that door and I think that it won't be a long, extended ordeal. You'll go into a new state of being, a different kind of life.

"Lord, make me a rainbow;

I'll shine down on my mother"

I'm not obsessed with death, as you may have concluded from seeing that this and my last post are concerned with it. I've just heard a song by The Band Perry written from the perspective of one who could die and am reading a thought-provoking book called Choosing to See about how death affects those left behind. These things bring it more into my mind; the idea that I could be gone from here soon.

Gone. What if I was never on earth any more? I don't suppose I would mind, if I was in Heaven. The real question is if I think I've lived well and completely for God; if I would go to Heaven. Those who are Protestant, don't think I'm depressed about this. I'm trusting in God totally here. I'm not drawing it up that my works are the only things that give me my salvation. I believe that God had given me the way to get to Heaven by his death and it's my day-to-day living that presents me with choices, over and over, on whether to accept his gift or not.

What a gift. Yet if I die, did I truly do my best to accept it? I'd like to think so, but thinking of dying young makes me believe that every day counts. I want to live my life to the fullest and be completely for my God so that I'll get to Heaven and be filled as full of joy as possible. You know, people seem to say alot that if they knew such-and-so was going to die, they would have lived differently. I want to live differently today. It's gonna be hard, but I'm going to try anyways.

"Well, I've had just enough time"

-Tina